OK, resolution no. 3 was temporarily broken. I’m back on track, so lets move swiftly on…
No. 4 – Try Insanity
The first I’d ever heard of Insanity was several months ago when I called in at my sisters for a brew. She wasn’t there, but her husband was, and he was doing something in front of the TV that was making him sweat. A lot. An alarming amount in fact. Once I’d stopped laughing and he’d stopped…(there’s no verb here that doesn’t make this sound even more like a sexual innuendo) we had a bit of a chat about what the hell he was doing. He was getting yelled at by some American guy called Shaun T, and if you wanted to get yelled at too, all you needed to do was a set of DVD’s that’d cost you about £100 off QVC and in 60 days time you’d look like an American underwear model. As if the money and the yelling didn’t put me off enough, the fact that you had to do it every day really did, so I added it to the place in my brain where I store thoughts of exercise much too intense for me. This is where spinning lives.
Then I started going to step classes last year. After weeks of putting it off because I thought I’d fly off my step, chin myself on the step and lose my teeth, I finally succumbed and joined Janine and Jane for 50 minutes of uncoordinated fun. But that wasn’t enough, a couple of months ago they started mentioning Insanity. Mentioned it several times in fact. My problem is that I’ll try most things once, like a challenge, and don’t like thinking I can’t do things, so even though I knew I’d absolutely hate it I somehow found myself agreeing to go in the New Year. This is the kind of mentality that found me briefly on a rounders team last year…but the less said the better on that chapter.
So two weeks ago, I went to Insanity. It wasn’t quite as bad as the Spinning class when I nearly fell off my bike and vomited in front of my dental hygienist, but it wasn’t pretty. As we got going under the disco lights with the old school dance music I was fairly enjoying myself and pretending we were at a party where I was just unfortunately wearing gym clothes. About ten minutes in I made the mistake of looking at my watch and devastated myself. It was well hard work. I had to get water every two minutes, I couldn’t lift my arms, knees or feet high enough, at any point, and I don’t like being yelled at. I tried to stand out of her eyesight (it wasn’t Shaun T teaching us it was Helen H) to avoid being yelled at but she’s got my number. She knows that I’m the kind of person who wants to go to a gym class, put very little effort in, then go home and eat an entire chocolate orange every evening and still lose weight. Alas, this is not the way Insanity works. You have to dig deeper, shout stuff about bananas yo’, and basically completely knacker yourself out until you drive home like a zombie and can’t lift your arms up to wash your hair. The good news is it makes Step feel pretty easy.
I’ve been twice now, so that means this resolution is well and truly ticked off and I’ve had a chocolate orange to celebrate.
No. 5 – Read Dickens
Right, this has been on the list for years, mainly because I’m quite embarrassed that I’ve got an English literature degree and have never read a Dickens novel. It was on the reading list for one of my modules at uni and I definitely got away without reading it somehow, so I need to put it right.
I’ve got Great Expectations lined up ready to go, but unfortunately I’ve convinced myself it’s going to be tough going, so I’ve procrastinated instead and watched a further 8 episodes of Orange is the new Black. That’s 8 hours I could have been reading amazing literature, achieving great abs and learning something, but instead I’ve spent that time with my earphones in watching a programme with titles like ‘Tit Punch’. It’s been fabulous. I’ve got 11 months to read Dickens…
And finally for this evening, No. 6 – Less Facebook, more Twitter
Not quite sure about this one, maybe because I thought it was more interesting to write about than ‘Have better dental hygiene’. That’s quite self-explanatory.
I think when I saw a workman in the Town Hall a few months ago and for some overwhelming reason thought I knew him, but realised I know him because I’m friends with his girlfriend on Facebook, I knew I was spending too much time on Facebook. And so is she, seriously.
So I decided to stop checking it compulsively every ten minutes to see if anyone had said anything, to anyone, that I might find interesting (she says whilst checking it), and instead start saying things of very little interest to anybody and everybody, all over Twitter.
And since hatching this plan I have lost 3 followers. I therefore declare resolutions 3 and 6 to be partial failures at this point, I intend to do much better at smoking and tweeting in February. Not smoking that is. 7-10 next week… I need to go and finish Orange is the new Bla…I mean, read Dickens.